I can still hear the words echoing through my head in super slow motion "NICE, nice, nice nice...SWEATER, sweater, sweater, sweater "
Apparently the niceness of the sweater was magical and contagious. As soon as I put on that sweater, I too was transformed into a charming lad who would be praised across the nation for his niceness.
Of course my relatives meant me no harm. At most family holidays, parents just want to impress the grandparents with the child's compliant behavior.
to people, you'll get everything you want in life. Then we'll all live happily ever after. EVERYONE WILL LOVE EVERYONE! YAY!
Perhaps you have a similar story about learning "nice guy programming" as a child.
And so it begins. As young boys, we begin to adopt this Utopian idea. Later in life, it will sabotage our chances of succeeding with women.
For a normal boy growing up, this is what happens: Mom buys you clothes from the Sears catalog. Mom puts the clothes on you and says you look "so nice." You are given a not-so-subtle clue that Mom wants you to be a "nice boy." You start to take on the "nice guy" personal from an early age, not because it serves you well in all situations, but because you want to please the adults in your life.
As you get older, you're told to dress like a nice guy, look like a nice guy. Fit in, blend in, don't stand out. Don't offend anyone. Don't be assertive because it's too risky. Be cooperative. Be submissive. This is our first experience in creating our personal style.
Eventually, most teenagers try some sort of fashion experiment, and most of the time his parents give him a hard time about it. It's so common that it's become a cliche in our society. There's even an episode of "The Cosby Show" where Cliff Huxtable catches Theo and Cockroach using eyeliner to darken their prepubescent mustaches. Ever seen it? Man, does Cliff give the boys hell for that one!
As we get older, there are several different paths. Some men get involved with a peer group that understands fashion. If you are around a lot of other guys who get it, you begin to feel like it's okay to take an interest. Or maybe you just copy what your friends are doing. Then it feels very natural to develop a cool look.
Then there are the guys who are always looking for cool clothes, they really do take an active interest in fashion and grooming. They watch "Queer Eye" and read GQ. That's the
The majority of guys never really change. They never leave behind their child-like view of clothing and fashion.
It's a challenge to reprogram your own fashion sense, just as it's a challenge to reprogram yourself to succeed with women. It's a journey and it takes a lot of experimentation.
What's So Bad About Being a Nice Guy?
By now you might be asking why it's so bad to look like a "Nice Guy." Ask any woman what she wants in a guy and the words "nice guy" will usually be somewhere on the list. The problem is that women don't respond well to nice guys. Being around a nice guy doesn't make women horny or attracted. It usually makes them whiny and resentful.
What women mean by "I want a nice guy" is that she wants a guy who is dominant but still treats her well. This is confusing for men, because we think she's using the term "nice guy" in the same way our family used it when we were younger. That's not what she means. When women use the term "nice guy" they mean "a dominant man who still treats me well."
"Nice guy syndrome" is a widespread problem that prevents men from succeeding with women.
The nice guy tends to behave in a submissive way around women. He puts a woman on a pedestal right away, without giving her a chance to earn his respect. This communicates a belief that the woman is a better person than him. The nice guy communicates that he is unworthy of a woman's attention by acting submissive and inferior. Most women don't want to date a guy with such a low opinion of himself.
Here's a few simple examples of what nice guys say and how women interpret his words. Nice guy:"Can I buy you a drink?"
she hears: He doesn't think he's worthy of having a conversation with me, so he's trying to buy my attention for five dollars.
Nice guy:"Are you single? Can I take you out sometime?"
She hears: He didn't even stop to learn anything about me before offering to take me out. He just automatically assumed that I'm worth taking out. This guy might be desperate. He might have low standards. He might be only interested in sex. He thinks I'm better than him.
Nice guy: "You're so beautiful. You're the most amazing woman I've ever met." She's thinking: Why is he kissing my ass so much? Maybe he's never really talked to a pretty girl before. Must be a loser.
Women meet these types of guys all the time. Typically, the nice guy makes some kind of offer, acts submissive, the woman politely declines, and tells her friends there was "just no spark."
Why do guys keep doing this if it doesn't work?
The "nice guy" has a deeply held mistaken belief. He believes that if he meets the needs of others and does what people ask of him, then his needs will be met by others and he will be loved. It seems to make sense on the surface. From a young age, we are taught that to "treat others as you would like to be treated." While this is an admirable sentiment and is effective is some situations, it is counterproductive when dealing with women. The assumption "If I meet the needs of others, they will meet my needs and I will be loved" is a huge mistake.
In the real world, you can't go around giving everyone you meet everything they need. People will use you and abuse you. They will walk all over you. They will not meet your needs. You will not be loved. If you're going to give people what they want and need, you have to make sure they earn it. Only then will they take you seriously and reciprocate.
Perhaps you know someone who is a "nice guy." Perhaps you are one yourself or used to be one. In that case you'll know first hand what happens when you let people walk all over you.
Even if it were true that by meeting the needs of others you will get your needs met and be loved, most "nice guys" don't understand what women want, what they need, what attracts them, and how their conflicting needs motivate them in strange, unpredictable ways.
When it comes to dating, men and women have different needs. Many men assume that if they meet the immediate surface needs of a woman (drinks, compliments, dinner, attention), then the woman will meet his immediate needs. In reality, a woman's needs are far more complex than you might think.
Sure, women need the kinds of things nice guys offer. They frequently remind us of these needs. What women don't tell you is that they need a vast array of other things in order to feel compelled to meet your immediate needs.
- The possibility of social advantages
- An easy way to categorize you when speaking with their friends
- A feeling that you are unique
- The potential for a successful long term relationship
- The potential for a secret illicit affair
- Strong positive emotions
- Strong negative emotions
- A man who is confusing and mysterious
You may have noticed that some of these wants and needs conflict with one and other. Yes it's true, women are often in conflict about what the want and need.
are interested in all of them at one time or another.
To really meet all of these needs, you have to mix a few of the "nice guy" qualities we all learn growing up with some new ones that no one really talks about much. By doing this, you will show women that you have a multidimensional personality. (This is something I talk about throughout The Underground Dating Seminar, which is now available on audio CD.) That's what women are really interested in. She responds well to a guy who is a total jerk at just the right time, but can also be nice and sweet at just the right time.
You can't just be a total jerk and never be nice. That won't work either. Attracting women is about using a special mixture of the two. Only by letting go of the urge to please women all the time can you achieve this.
So how can you use some of these "nice guy" tendencies to your advantage? You can start by identifying which ones are attractive and which ones are a turn-off. The Good
- Being chivalrous. It's always good to open doors for women and do chivalrous things.
- Be a great listener. It usually good to listen to women as they express their emotions and tell their stories. You just have to know where to draw the line. If a woman is getting whiny and spilling her guts to you when it's too early on in the relationship, you should politely change the subject. There are times to be a great listener. There are other times when you should make an effort to be the "fun guy," and avoid being the therapist.
- Be the protector. It's always good to make women feel protected from danger.
- Occasionally show a vulnerable side. This can be endearing and attractive. It shows that you're human, you're attainable, and you have a soft side.
- Being submissive.
- Letting people push you around.
- Doing unnecessary favors for people.
- Being emotionally needy.
- Making secret contracts with people where you expect them to automatically meet your needs. You have to ask for what you want. Don't sit back expecting people to meet your needs just because you met theirs. Nice guys do this, and it slowly turns them into a bubbling cauldron of hatred and resentment. They are always fuming about how people have wronged them and how unfair the world is. Eventually that kind of anger will catch up with you, and you won't be acting so nice anymore when that happens.
The Nice Guy Look
If you have a case of "nice guy syndrome," it can create unrealistic fears when you are changing your look.
Nice guys dress just well enough to blend in. That's why most of them look the same. Nice guys are afraid that if they dress up more than other people, someone will question why they are "all dressed up" and if they dress down more than others people will question why they are "dressed like a bum."
Nice guys dress to avoid looking weird. This motivation tends to prevent the nice guy from expressing his identity through his clothing. The end result is a generic, boring look.
Here's an example of the nice guy look. This is a friend of mine whose girlfriend lives on the other side of the country. He dresses like a nice guy to keep women away from him, thus avoiding temptation. Last time I asked him, he said dressing like a nice guy works every time.
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One of the most important things you need to take note of about becoming fashionable is to get fitter. Therefore, if you are carrying some extra pounds, then you should lose some of it soon. You can do it through dieting, working out, or a good combination of both. Find more fashion tips like this one within this guide.