Nice Guys Bad Memories

Most women have had bad experiences with nice guys. It takes many forms.

- The annoying guy buying drinks and pestering her.

- A serious relationship where her boyfriend allowed her to walk all over him.

- The stalker who sends flowers and gifts in an effort to show how well he could treat her.

- An encounter with a "bubbling cauldron of resentment nice guy. Many nice guys are ticking time bombs. They've been mistreated for so many years that they're about to go postal. One encounter with a guy like this, and the woman isn't talking to any nice guys in the future.

The Nice Approach

In the real world, women get approached by "nice guy" types all the time. Most of the time these guys fail to attract the woman and the situation becomes uncomfortable for everyone. Over time, women learn to spot nice guys by the way they dress, and they become less likely to give that type of guy a chance.

Nice guys who approach these women usually do something that causes the woman to perceive him as


emotionally needy. After years of being approached by nice guys who are needy, there is a correlation formed in the woman's subconscious:


I know it's not fair, but we must deal with the world the way it really is, not the way we wish it would be. If you're always worried about "blending in" and "looking normal," all of the negative connotations from needy guys will get transfered on to you! YIKES!

REMEMBER: There is massive social pressure on all of us to "blend in." If you bend to social pressure all the time, you can't expect to achieve greatness in this area or in life in general.

I know it seems very unfair that most women are not willing to get to know you "on a deeper level" and they base their initial decisions on stereotyping and prior experience, but you've got to understand that attractive women get approached a lot. They don't have time to get to know every guy who talks to them. They've got to create shortcuts, and stereotyping is a common one.

If women stereotype you as a "nice guy," you will have a huge hole to dig yourself out of before she will become attracted to you.

If you're more interested in learning about the roots of "nice guy syndrome" and how to recover from it, check out a book called "No More Mister Nice Guy" by Robert A. Glover.

You should also check out the "Nice Guy" cartoons from By Mark Gonyea, of They're very funny and will give you an easy way of understanding this phenomenon.

For now the most important thing you need to know is that women are not attracted to "nice guys" and they will categorize you as a nice guy if you dress like one.

Anti-gay Social Programing

This is a big one. Lots of guys have their personal style stunted by anti-gay social programming. This happens in 2 ways.

1. No one wants to look gay if they're not gay.

Ok fair enough. I don't think that you should try to dress gay unless you're specifically going for the "metrosexual look" and using that as a way to attract women. (More on that look later). Looking gay is not what most guys should be going for.

The problems is that almost anything could be construed as "looking gay" and this becomes a common excuse for guys who have some more general fears- the fear of change, the fear of coming out of your comfort zone, the fear of pushing your limits.

2. Taking an interest in fashion can make you seem gay, even if you don't look gay.

There's a grain of truth to this. If you hang out with super macho or narrow minded people and start talking fashion, they might hassle you about it. In some rural subcultures, even women might have a negative reaction to guys who are interested in fashion.

But if you don't live in Wyoming and you don't hang out with truckers, you probably don't need to worry about it.

You have to decide who it is that you want to be attracted to you. Do you want macho truckers to like you or hot women to like you? The choice is yours.

The vast majority of women find fashion minded men attractive and refreshing.

The irony of anti-gay social programming is that you can learn more about dressing attractively from gay men than anyone else. On average, gay men dress more attractively than straight men. If you don't believe me, ask some attractive women.

Gay men are not born with more fashion sense than straight men, so why do they dress better?

They just have more practice. They belong to a subculture which encourages them to study fashion and explore different looks. While many straight men strangle their creativity with fear and inhibition, gay men are "allowed" to get creative with their wardrobe.

If you want some great fashion advice, ask a gay guy. They have years of experience learning what looks good on a man. They also tend to be fully supportive of your quest to get laid more often.

Sometimes you'll get good advice from women, but not always. The problem with getting fashion advice from women is that they are not fully supportive of the "getting laid" agenda. Women have their own agenda. Maybe she wants you to continue to be an asskissing nice guy. Perhaps she has a crush on you and wants to keep other women away from you. Perhaps she wants you as an orbiter (a friend who does her favors in hope of winning her heart.)

Maybe she just thinks it's fun to act like a fashion expert even though she knows very little about the topic. This is common. Many women like to believe that they are experts on everything from fashion to relationships to pop culture but they won't have the kind of specialized knowledge needed to create an attractive look for a man.

Fashion advice from women is better than nothing, but it's hit or miss depending on the woman's agenda.

In conclusion, the idea is not to look "gay." However, you shouldn't let the fear of looking gay prevent you from looking your best. Sometimes the question "are you gay?" is just a woman's way of telling you that you have great style.

Emulating Dad

Then there are guys who have one single bad role model that they will not stop emulating. For some guys , it's their Dad. Think about how your Dad dressed when you were growing up. He probably was working hard to support the family and had little time to think about what he was wearing. He may have been totally disinterested in his appearance. You may have picked up some of these ideas without even realizing it. That's why it feels so hard for you to take an interest in your appearance. It feels like you'd be changing into a different person. The truth of the matter is you are not your Dad. You are not defined by your own disinterested, dismissive attitude about your appearance. If you changed this, you would be a better, more effective person.

Perhaps there was a time in your Dad's life when he had a great look, but you just came along too late to see it. Ask yourself this: Did you see your Dad in his prime when he attracted your mom? Or did you see him 10 years later when his style was functional and pragmatic? Ask your Dad sometime about how he dressed when he was dating and trying to meet women. You might find that it was a lot different than what you saw him wearing around the house when you were a kid.

It Was Good Ten Years Ago

There's an old saying that says:

"You can tell the best year of a man's life, because he's still got the hair cut."

For many men over 30, updating their look can be a frightening prospect. So much of your identity gets formed in your teens and 20s. It can be hard to leave behind the clothing that was with you during that formative period.

Some men go through a period in their life where they are on the cutting edge of fashion. Usually that's the period when they were dating the most. Then later, after they lose interest in dating, they lose interest in fashion too. These men end up sticking with that same look for quite some time.

I see this all the time in my students who are "getting back into it" after a divorce or a breakup.

Some men just slide straight downhill when they get into a relationship. "The race is over, take off the uniform," they say.

Think about it. Did you form your ideas on fashion five or ten years ago? Have you updated your look lately? Do you still own the same clothes you owned 5 or 10 years ago? This is a sign you might need to update your look.

Get some new clothes and get rid of the old stuff. You've got to get the old stuff out of your closet pronto or you'll keep wearing it.

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